Running from Power OR Into Addiction?

Two nights ago I was invited by Nicky Blue to attend PUBLIC DISGRACE. It is a video taping of an extended "scene."

The concept is that a woman walks in to a bar and is humiliated and had sex with. It is in a way staged. With sound lights, breaks for water & food, directors inviting us to "keep our energy up."

In other ways, it needs to be real spankings, slapping, shaming. At least real-ish.

This world is so strange for me. Why would anyone want to be shamed or beaten?

I am asking people how, when, how old, how did they know to get into BDSM? The answers are fascinating.

I can feel into the part of me that would like to dominate others. Prove my strength by being over someone. Manipulate their energy to my bidding. The tastiness. The feeding off energy. The vampire, gargoyle, and beastie in me.

I can feel the part of me that wants to push people aside and say: "Let me show you how to do it right. Can't you see THIS is what she needs to fly, to release."

I am worried about that part of me. It feels so amoral.

I want to be sure that part of me is allied with the Priestess of Healing in me.

I am wondering what this is doing to me to even witness visuals like this. What I am putting into my psyche that will change me or hurt me, or transform me in ways that I may be sorry for later.

My usual kink is energy. My choice is to bring the sacred, the conscious, the caring, the whole and the healing.

Can I enter this world, and bring the sacred to it?

Will I lose myself? My soul?

Will my addict & vampire take over?

Will I run in disgust and miss something that I am here to learn?

Stay tuned.

A Solstice Orgy of BDSM

In so short a time, he is my beloved. At first there was that courageous moment of revealing that attraction is present.

In 2 short weeks my world is transformed. In loving him, I am being given a pathway into the Temple of Dark Eros. I was called here without him. I am blessed he is my guide.

I am a cycle with my Goddess of celibacy until my ritual of Dedication as a Priestess of Love & Eros on February 2nd. (Imbolc/Lady Day). We ride the delectable edges of that. It supports our friendship & the flow of energy between us. I am sure my Goddess has an ironic sense of humor. We connected within days of me publicly declaring that vow.

We have been to a sacred site together for Solstice. Visiting his lovers. It turned into a BDSM orgy & a power play. I managed to be both gracious, grounded, sensually connected & to keep my clothes on.

It shocked my system to its core. It was his heart. Seeing him clearly managing energy, complex relationships, pain, & pleasure with consciousness and care that had me die to who I thought I was and be born anew trusting him as my guide in these matters.

This is his lifestyle but not his lovestyle. Intriguing yes?

At home we float in the tenderest of kisses, and dive into the depth of primal passion that marks our bodies and sears our souls.

He has offered to submit to me, and to be of service. I have only the merest inkling of what that could mean. I find myself adoring him as the sacred lover & Priestess that I am to here that in his world I reflect both the power of a Domme, and the surrender of a Sub, and the devotion of a Slave.

I feel I have entered a new country that speaks a different language, wears different costumes, and has different customs. A land that feels dangerous to me. Have I already crossed a border with no return? Will I be found out as a traitor or spy? Will I be broken & punished for my mistakes? Or guided to become one of its people?

I do not seek to have a Master
I seek to have a King

I do not seek to submit
I seek to give a vow of sacred service

I do not seek to submit to one who is above me
I seek to to surrender to one who is beside me

I do not seek a collar
I seek to be crowned

I do not seek to be trained
I seek to be guided

I do not seek to be a slave
I seek to serve my Lord

I do not seek to be dominated with power
I seek to be ravished with love

I do not seek a Dungeon of Bright Pain
I seek a Temple of Dark Eros

I do not seek to lose myself in the heights of pleasure
I seek to find my soul with Hades & Persephone in the Great Below

All I seek
I am prepared to give

I am waiting
The Lady in her tower
Waiting here

Not to be taken
but to be won