Running from Power OR Into Addiction?

Two nights ago I was invited by Nicky Blue to attend PUBLIC DISGRACE. It is a video taping of an extended "scene."

The concept is that a woman walks in to a bar and is humiliated and had sex with. It is in a way staged. With sound lights, breaks for water & food, directors inviting us to "keep our energy up."

In other ways, it needs to be real spankings, slapping, shaming. At least real-ish.

This world is so strange for me. Why would anyone want to be shamed or beaten?

I am asking people how, when, how old, how did they know to get into BDSM? The answers are fascinating.

I can feel into the part of me that would like to dominate others. Prove my strength by being over someone. Manipulate their energy to my bidding. The tastiness. The feeding off energy. The vampire, gargoyle, and beastie in me.

I can feel the part of me that wants to push people aside and say: "Let me show you how to do it right. Can't you see THIS is what she needs to fly, to release."

I am worried about that part of me. It feels so amoral.

I want to be sure that part of me is allied with the Priestess of Healing in me.

I am wondering what this is doing to me to even witness visuals like this. What I am putting into my psyche that will change me or hurt me, or transform me in ways that I may be sorry for later.

My usual kink is energy. My choice is to bring the sacred, the conscious, the caring, the whole and the healing.

Can I enter this world, and bring the sacred to it?

Will I lose myself? My soul?

Will my addict & vampire take over?

Will I run in disgust and miss something that I am here to learn?

Stay tuned.